Aug. 15th, 2008 03:44 am
zeppelin: (Default)
Watches are to men as swimsuits are to women--that is, annoying. I usually do jewelry at work because I can fix watches, and the person who's in charge of jewelry also has to watch purses. The other day, I was making the purses presentable when my walkie informed me that "Fast service needed in Jewelry. Who is responding?" I ran back to the jewelry counters and turned off the button and then found the man who pushed it.

"Guess," he said melodramatically and maybe a touch humorously, "What I need."

I swallowed back the word "lobotomy" and said, "A watch?" because, indeed, he was standing in an aisle of men's watches.

"Correct. Now, I want it to glow in the dark, I want an actual watch, I want it to be waterproof because I don't want to take it off when I'm showering, and I want it to have the date, and I want it to be metal. So those are my specifications--some of them."

I blinked. Did he seriously imagine that I have the specifications of every watch we sell memorized? I don't because they change every day and I don't tend to memorize things that are written down right in front of my face. You know, like, on the box? Perhaps he was illiterate. I took pity on him and started to go through every watch with him. I figured that "actual watch" meant "not-digital face" and collected about eight of them for his approval. He whittled it down to two after making me read the box to him ("waterproof to 30m," etc.), and I cut them out of their boxes.

"Okay, now. How do I work them?"

Um, you pull out the button on the right of the watch and twist it to set it. You depress the same button to make it light up. But he didn't actually want to know how to work it; he wanted "service." So I pushed and pulled the button and demonstrated the pushing and pulling to him and then I rang him up before he could change his mind.


Jul. 31st, 2008 03:52 am
zeppelin: (Default)
Today, I found a man in his late 70s browsing the watches. I had been doing some other things and watching him for about five minutes. He obviously wanted help, but he wasn't about to ask, so I asked him if I could help him find something. He explained, in a rambling, repetitious way, that he wanted a watch with a clock face, that he wanted the clock face to be large enough for him to see, that he wanted a watch with a leather band, and that he didn't want the date on it. This last instruction was the most important. He explained literally twenty times that he didn't want the date because he couldn't see it, and so what use was it?

He was also in the $50 dollar watch section. "These cost $19.99, right? The one I had before cost $19.99." I explained that they actually cost $49.99, and took him around the aisle to the other brand watches, where he fixated on a particular watch. "I really want this watch," he said. "I think that it was actually the one I used to have." But the newer model had a date. He was explaining his issue with the date for the thirtieth time while I was going through all the other watches seeing if I could find a dateless one.

"How about this?"

"No, I don't think so. It's not like my old one." He shelved it in the Wrong Brand and then told me about his annoyance with date-sporting watches while I picked out a couple of others. He said "That's the right size, but the color contrast isn't good enough. I don't want a dark band. The light face is better." All the other ones had a dark face with light hands; then I picked up the one he had shelved fifteen minutes earlier with the Wrong Brand and asked, "How about this?"

"I think I'll get that one."

I took it into the jewelry "boat" (the space behind the counters) and started to scan it. He followed me into the boat, which he really shouldn't have done. But seriously? I wasn't going to tell a 78 year old man he couldn't stand somewhere. The 19 year old security guard who showed up within 30 seconds, however, did make him stand on the outside of the "boat," and then he informed me that "guests" standing inside the boat was "a big no." I said Okay there, but am going to say WTF here.

I was straightening purses and this boy (trapped in the front seat of a cart) said "HI." "Hi," I said. "Do you have movies?" "Yes." "Do you have x movie?" "We might. If we do, it is going to be down in electronics." "Wow!" Pause. "Where are your kids?" "I don't have any." "Say goodbye now," said the unenthusiastic father and pushed the cart away from the purses and me. The boy pronounced me "very good." [note to self: karate kid/dream team]

Last night was WTFery.
zeppelin: (Default)
For some reason there is an influx of English people at Faceless Corporation. "Excuse me, wah cahn ah geht cheap khids' wotches?" I follow English people around (as much as I can) because I don't understand how you can talk without most consonants but it sounds cool.

Dear Russian(?) Woman: We don't sell genuine stones unless it, erm, says genuine. And is locked up in a case. That only I have the key to. We don't stick genuine stones just where anybody can take them. If it don't say genuine, it ain't genuine. I assure you that I do not emit second opinions when glared at.

Dear People in General, YES, OUR HATS. OMG. THEY ARE AWESOME. I BOUGHT ONE MYSELF FROM SHEER AWESOME. However, upon completion of your orgy, could you put all two dozen of them back on the racks?

Dear Smirking Couple, Yes, I know that the button says "push and a team member will get to you within sixty seconds." Yes, I know that the button is allegedly there for you. Yes, I'll run from whatever part of the store I am at in order to answer your question. That is the way it is supposed to work; I will get in some trouble if the damn button gets pushed because the retail world is weird that way, but they did install it for a reason.


If you see me. If I am three feet away from you, and I just have my back turned. If you haven't already tried "the zombie apocolypse started three minutes ago and the penguins want you to meet them at the secret lair ASAP," or, you know, "excuse me." If you have been standing there for five to ten seconds. DO NOT PRESS THAT GODDAMN BUTTON.

And then when I have completed jumping three feet in the air at that stupid automated woman screeching "fast service needed in jewelry, who is responding?", when I have finished turning off the button, when my walkie has stopped screaming at me for letting a button go off, do not just stare at me and smirk. Really, I didn't actually need to know what a "shit-eating grin" looked like. Oh, and then tell me what you want. I don't communicate telepathically; if I did, you would probably have filed a restraining order rather than smirking.

And don't be surprised if for some reason we don't carry that particular item at that particular time, or indeed, at all; do not be surprised if you end up walking halfway across the store to another department that, shockingly enough, also does not carry that item. Really, retail people have an astonishing amount of ways to make your life more inconvenient in little ways, and you know what? You'll never guess what they are, but I'll be a little less annoyed knowing that you walked fifty feet more than strictly necessary, or didn't get the exactly correct spring bar sizes, or didn't get instructions to the watch repair shop, or...

Yes, it's unbelievably petty. So is getting your kicks by making retail slaves get in trouble.

Dear Other People Who Have Gotten Kind of Close to the Button: I'm sorry if seeing a red blur shrieking "CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING" and running towards you at a very fast speed has scared you. I normally don't run and shriek at people (in public (often (when I think there's a chance they'll complain))). But if you get to the button before I get to you, trouble gets to me. Hoping you understand and will not get a heart attack.
zeppelin: (Default)
Woman: I'm not brainwashed.

Husband: mumblemumble.
Wife [irritated]: How am I "killing" you?
Husband: You're irritating mumblemumble.
Wife: Well, I'm not mumblemumble, it's just that you mumblemumble--oh, look! Jewelry cleaner!

Ryan: Is Ethan getting married?
Mom: I expect all of you will be getting married, Ryan.
Ryan to Ethan: HA HA. I told you.
Ethan: Mommy, who am I going to marry?
Mom: You can marry Mommy.
Ryan [authoritatively]: You can't do that. [pause] You're married already.
Mom [uncomfortably]: No, I'm not.
Ryan: Well, not any more.

Man: I'm gonna go look at the electronics while you do your woman stuff.
Woman: Fine.
Man: I'm gonna leave the cart here.
Woman: You are such a jerk.

Little boy clutching a CAT construction toy to his chest: Mommy, don't give this to the poor kids.
zeppelin: (Default)
There was the three year old who asked me, "Do you want my number?" Her mother said, "That is so sick and wrong coming out of your mouth, and there is no way to describe how medicated I am going to be by the end of this day."
zeppelin: (Default)
At a movie theater:

What is your race?

- Black
- Caucasian
- Hispanic
- Indian
- Oriental

For OfficeMax:

There is no time limit, but work quickly as the assessment will stop after 55 minutes.

For Borders:

Agree or disagree with the statements:

You do not fake being polite

It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free.

You've done your share of troublemaking.


At Target:

The percentage of politicians I think are honest is:



zeppelin: (Default)

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